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Scrolling Through Memories

Have you ever had one of those nights where sleep is impossible?

Where you toss and turn? Play the most boring movie, podcast, or tv show you can think of?

And when all else fails, you begin to just stare into the darkness hoping for sleep to finally come?

I recently had one of those nights.

Where sleep would not come no matter how hard I willed it.

Which is a strange feeling for me because anyone who knows me will tell you that if sleep was a job, I would be the CEO!

During this specific night I begin to scroll through my Instagram feed and check out what my friends had been doing over the past few days.

Now, I’m not sure if this has ever happened to you, but one click led to another, which led to another, which ended with me being back on my own feed scrolling back to the inception of my Instagram account.

Some of the memories I recalled as if they had happened yesterday, and some I just scrolled right past because they no longer held any significance that my early 20 year old self thought they did.

Some were painful reminders of poor decisions that I had made.

Some were filled with the purest of smiles, laughter, and love.

When sleep finally did come, I woke the next morning to various messages from my friends.

We spent time laughing and joking at the memories that we had shared over the years.

Some were “I can’t believe that we were that young and dumb to think that was a good idea!”

Or even better “If you were my friend, you would not have let me go out in public with that outfit/haircut or makeup!”

But, there were a few memories that were sobering that we spent a larger amount of time focusing on.

The ones were growth was evident.

Where change was undeniable.

I’m not sure about you, but I am so thankful that I am no longer the person that I was in my early to mid 20’s.

I have never been one to be wild and free with my life choices, but I definitely made some poor relationship choices.

Dating people that I knew I had no business dating.

Staying friends with toxic people, hoping that they would finally have a moment where they decided to treat me better.

Then one day, I woke up and wanted better for not only myself but those around me and I begin to remove myself from the situations that I no longer had a space to be in.

Often times we are so caught up in trying to impress others, to live up to an impossible standard (set by those in our inner circle), or working towards a goal that we thought would be the pinnacle of happiness.

Only to reach our goals and realize that we are standing at the top of a mountain looking into the abyss of regret, shame, and guilt.

Realizing that the person we fought so hard to become, was just a mirage of the happiness and achievement that mirrored the image of someone else and not our true hearts passion.

Although some of the lessons that I learned were painful, I am thankful for them nonetheless.

Most importantly, I am thankful for the fight that I went through with the aide of my army of best intentioned people, to become the person that I knew I was destined to be.

So if you find yourself at the top of a mountain unsure of how you got there let me offer you this encouragement: There is always a way back, it just requires vulnerability, patience, and moments to give yourself grace.

If I managed to successfully climb down my mountain, twisting and turning, slipping and sliding, only to realize towards the end that I did not have to do it alone-you are all the more capable to begin your own dissent into the space where you truly belong.

A place filled with love, accountability, and ultimately peace with no comparison.

You are never alone, even at your highest of heights!

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