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Ugly Praise, Loud Cries, & Venom

I was sitting in my office earlier today, holding back tears of an unknown origin.

(It’s ok, I won’t them drop until after 4:05pm)

Roughly a couple of months ago I received a phone call that was intended to change my life, for the better.

It was someone who had cleared the screening process to potentially becoming a living donor that would replace my ailing liver.

The person who made the call surprised me for reasons I won’t go into here.

I listened to their story, they desire to help, and answered their countless questions as if I was being interviewed by Desus & Mero.

(Raw honesty and frank details)

At the conclusion of the conversation something in my spirit just wasn’t settled.

My gut was telling me there was a catch, although one had not been given, I knew it was there somewhere.

I replayed the conversation out loud with my mom, my best friends, and even my therapist trying to determine what I was missing.

To everyone there didn’t seem to be a catch on the surface but they all said “Just wait and see what happens. No expectations just gratitude and hope!”

So I surrendered it to God and moved on trusting completely that it would all work out, one way or another.

Then it came…the caveat of all caveats.

The infamous email from a third individual who was involved in the conversation who came prepared with facts, statistics, and a better solution than the one that my impressively trained medical team had.

An email that left me gutted to a depth that I didn’t even know existed.

In an instant I went from bopping along through my day to a place of anger, betrayal, and devastation running through my veins like my type A+ blood.

I picked up the phone and called my mom and spewed all my feelings in a manner that would probably make Eminem shed a tear of pride…

The venom I spewed had to go somewhere and I couldn’t burry it deep inside as I had done in times past.

I calmed down, sent a very polite email in response and immediately scheduled two back to back sessions with my therapist to process.

That night I climbed into bed, blasting Maverick City Music and begin to pour my heart out to the One who holds my life and my liver in His hands!

What began as a low and all but silent hum to “Wait On You” very quickly and unexpectedly moved to a loud, off beat, and unrelenting cry of my heart!

I poured out my soul for the following hour.

All the tears, pain, anger, and questions were are all left at the feet of my Savior!

Hours later I picked myself up, grabbed a slice of pizza, and my journal and penned the following prayer:

“Lord, whether my praise be loud, repetitive, incoherent, uncertain and most likely off beat, I hope that it changes my heart in such a way that only true surrender and transparency can!”

That has been my prayer each and every day since and I can honestly say that it has moved and transformed my heart!

Transformed my heart to expect great things!

Transformed my heart to forgive in a genuine manner!

Transformed my heart to align with my blind faith, courageous trust, and bold beliefs!

Transformed my heart to comfortably receive support, help, and love from all areas.

Transformed my heart to ask for the unimaginable and trust that the result will be undeniably beautiful!

May your prayers be bold, your praise loud and uncomfortable, and your faith outmatch your circumstances!

I know there is a liver with my name on it, and I’m ready, patiently waiting for its arrival!

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